The New York Post is reporting, “Hotshot Banker says jilted lover drove his Benz into the pool.

Because most readers are already aware, Guy Gentile is the owner and creator of Sure Trader. Every few months, it seems that Guy is getting himself into some kind of’tacky’ situation and becoming Page One tabloid fodder. Over the last several decades, I’ve certainly had a fun time writing about his many exploits, which more closely resemble a reality TV mashup involving the Kardashians and the Sopranos.

The New York Post first reported the story. Consequently, over the weekend my email inbox lit up with a slightly different version, with a few hidden gems and gossip from ‘insiders in the know’. What you are about to read is 1% the facts and 99% parody of the original story.

So what in the hell happened? Basically, Guy Gentile has been dating a young Russian model named Kristina Kuchma. How young? Really young. Like barely out of Russian high school.

Anyone that knows Guy Gentile knows that he is a man that loves the ladies.

With his mature age of 42, and most definitely lacking in the ‘looks department’, a person has to wonder at the motivations of this lovely young lady.

Apparently, it was the lovely Kristina’s birthday and Guy was paying her to have dinner with him at a local sushi bar in the Bahamas.

Guy’s estimated birthday gratitude included a new $3k Gucci tote, a new $1k iPhone, and new $300 Beats headphones. A rough calculation totals these’gifts’ at over $4,300. Quite the generous endowment. But this wasn’t nearly enough for the beautiful Kristina. She expected more. She then proceeded to throw a major temper tantrum at receiving these paultry baubles.

What happens next can only be described as pure comedy gold. The lovely Kristina proceeds to demand yet more! Apparently, she is an aspiring day trader and wanted Guy to fund her trading account with $50k. For she had been reading about how much all of these supposed day traders were making, and wanted her own piece of the ‘easy day trading riches’.

Guy responded to her request with a hearty roar, “Silly woman, how many times do I have to tell you, the only people that make money at day trading are the brokers and the sham educators!”

This response did not make the Kristina very happy. The lovely Kristina then proceeded to a whole new level of tempertasm and declared, “Well Mr. Hot Shot, I have been reading all these websites proclaiming how everyone is getting rich with day trading. I want what you promised me! I too want to become rich!”

Apparently, Guy had made some prior allusion that he could present her $50k. And she wanted to accumulate. A nasty argument quickly ensued and the beautiful Kristina loudly declared”I’m pregnant with your little one!” In complete shock, Guy then proceeded to gulp down what remained of his beer and humbly responded,”Ok, I will pay for the child but not your day trading account” Her response was to throw her scalding hot green tea on his shocked face.

Since Guy fumbled to clear his badly burned face of this scalding green tea, the lovely Kristina subsequently snatched his car keys and bolted to the door. Guy attempted to chase her to the vehicle, but his skinny legs were no match for this athletic miss. (half his age) She made her get-a-way. In his brand new Mercedes S 500 Hybrid…a beautiful car he recently spent over $100k.

Witnesses then describe the wild-eyed Kristina ripping through downtown Nassau loudly blaring Ludacris-Move Bitch Get Out The Way.

As the lovely Kristina drove around Nassau, her rage only deepened. “I will make this bastard pay! He promised me $50k and I want my money!”

Guy then texted the lovely Kristina and declared, “Lovely Kristina, you better get back to this damn sushi bar quick or else I will send you back to the Russian mail order company from whence you came! There is a warranty that came with your ownership documents that expressly forbids you from acting like a crazy witch!”

The lovely Kristina then replied, “You son of a mule, come on home and see what happens when you cross a Russian woman.”

Poor Guy took an Uber back to his love nest and discovered his beautiful car was sitting in the bottom of his swimming pool. The crazy witch had in fact ‘gone off the deep end’.

Thankfully, Guy had AAA and the car was promptly removed from the pool.

I no longer recommend


And in other Guy Gentile news…it looks like Guy might have finally escaped the ‘hangman’s noose’. His criminal case, as widely reported was dismissed. And a judge is set to rule the pending SEC Civil securities fraud case will also likely be dismissed in November 2017. Whoever said “Crime doesn’t pay” has obviously never met this rascal.

Thanks for reading! Obviously, this article is meant as satire and we wish Guy the best of luck at finding a new girlfriend.

Oh and one last note, congratulations Guy for officially joining the junior firefighters club. Make sure to frame that fancy certification.